Roller Coaster

I know that I had lightheartedly mentioned that this process would be a roller coaster.  I said that not knowing what would lie ahead.  When we first started this process we did it thinking that we would use an agency and that this would take up to  two to three years.  After doing research I found a website about a women that helps with independent adoptions from Congo and the process is much faster.  Last night after I laid in bed I received a text from her telling me that the US has made independent adoption illegal.  Of course my heart sunk.  She also said that we need to make a match and get the process started in the next two months.  I had no idea what she meant, but was clearly focused on the fact of illegal independenct adoptions.  I was almost sick.  She preceded to say that this will take effect in 2014 in order to standardize the process.  After a few more texts I realized  she was telling me that we need to get this process moving quickly in order to ensure we get her home before January.  That has always been our plan, but I feel even more pressure and so many questions enter my mind.  Some of which I know are Satan....What if we can't get it done before January due to Congo embassy,  finances, time? Is this God saying you are pushing too hard it just needs to fall in place?  Too many to mention, but you get the point where my heart is today.  I have been in tears for most of the morning and I keep telling myself God has this, you have to believe that God's will, will prevail.  Why is it even though I know this I still feel this pit of fear?  This little girl that I have only dreamed about is already a part of our family and the emotion is raw.  I know that this is all part of the spiritual growth that I asked  for.  As John said, God's divine plan is already written.  Please pray that I can push the fear Satan is instilling and feel God's love and peace. 

Why Congo?

The question that I hear often is why Congo?  I had always thought Ethopia or Haiti or even South America, but there are so many countries that have closed their adoption programs to the United States or they take three years.  I have always wanted to adopt, but until recently my heart has turned to wanting to adopt from a country that has a great need.  As I have stated Congo is in very bad shape and these children are not only dying from disease, but they do not have electricity or water in the orphanage.  I cannot imagine taking care of one child without water or electricity, let alone caring for 20 to 25 children in that environment.  These people that care for these children can only concern themselves with the survival of these children.  So, when I began to process adoption and it became a real consideration I never considered anywhere expect a third world country.   Ethopia would take up to three years and very difficult to get a child under the age of 5.  So, after much reseach I found Congo which I had never even heard of and then once i continued to learn more my heart could not go anywhere else.  And no coincidence at 3am one morning researching I found a lady that helps with private adoption who has a heart for these children in Congo.  She has adopted two children from there herself and her mission is to continue to bring them home.   The next morning I called her and spoke to her for two hours and confirmed my feeling of adopting from Congo. 
As for our current status.  I finished the questionaire tonight,ordered certified copies of birth and marriage certificates, FBI fingerprint clearance done,  and will be starting the process of getting her room ready for the homestudy meeting that we will be scheduled in the next few weeks.  This is quite the process, but have enjoyed checking things off my list and knowing that every step in one step closer to her home.  The prize is priceless!!!  John and I spent a couple hours last Friday at a local restauraunt filling out the couple portion of the questionaire and enjoyed remembering what attracted us to each other, what qualitites we want and are instilling in our children, and discussing all the things that got us to the point of wanting to bring another child in our sweet family.  It was a very special and unforgettable afternoon. 
I also want to thank you for all of your kind words.  It really takes a villiage for all of this to come together, and I am so thankful for those that are so supportive.  Your love and prayers are appreciated(even your likes on facebook make me smile.)  Please continue to pray for our little girl and that God wraps his arms of protection around her.  I often laugh that this process mimics pregnancy.  I do not get good rest and have not slept sound since we started this process, but for a different kind of discomfort.  I find myself worrying about her and worrying about her safety.  I have to just pray.  Sometimes the worry becomes physical.  My heart starts racing, very weird.    Once again I believe that it is all part of the spiritual growth in the process.  I am not in control and I do not have the answers.   I have to trust. 

The Hands and Feet Of God

I have been really trying to stay in the word.  It is so easy to get caught up in our earthly surroundings.  I know that this is truly God's plan. I just keep hearing over and over that we are the hands and feet of God.  It is such a spiritual lesson for me to just be still and allow to be led and not lead.  Human nature says it is better to lead and push and I am a "where there is a will, there is a way"  kinda person. I do not think that that is what I am to do.  I believe that I am to just take a step at a time and I am not going to know what this is going to look like and I have to just trust in God's plan.  As I write this I am realizing that this blog is more for me to work through so many of these emotions than it is for you to follow.  So I will thank you in advance for listening.  There have already been some rough spots.  One of which is people's reaction to the news.   I have had to really just pray through some of those responses.  Again, another spiritual lesson in being still and  being the hands and the feet.  I have already said "yes" so I have to just walk the walk.   Anytime, I start feeling overwhelmed I just paint a picture of her in my arms and it all goes away.  I am already amazed of the  spiritual growth that I have gained since we started this process almost three weeks ago.  I can only imagine what's in store for me and my family.  Praising God for the opportunity to find out!

Another cute moment with my boys.  We were at main event this weekend celebrating Max's birthday and one of the boys won a little stuffed giraffe and they both ran over and said "Mom, we won this for our baby sister."    It now sits on our fireplace mantle as a reminder of our little baby girl.

The beginning of our journey

So excited to share this journey with our family and friends.  I want to start by saying that I am going to be very transparent throughout this blog.  I really want to share my raw feelings with all of you throughout this process.  As many of you know that is my personality anyway.

This has been something that I have dreamt about for a very long time, but did not know if it would ever be realized.  It has not been something that John has felt in his heart.  For me, it has always just been brought up to me over and over whether through church, or in airports, or even through reading my bible.  John and I were on our way to Miami a few months ago for a dental conference and we were standing in the security line and there was a little girl that was visably adopted.  And as soon as I saw her, her mom said "we are meeting some friends that we met while going through the adoption in Ethiopia."  So when I see or even hear the word adoption I immediately am brought to tears.  It is one of the few things that can make me cry on a dime without warning.   So I look at John and I don't even have to say anything, because he already knows.  We then get to our seats on the plane and a very nice young man sits down next to us and immediately begins talking to us and he is going to Haiti to volunteer and help in a few orphanages.   Needless to say I am all ears and we talk the entire way to Miami.  He is someone that I will never forget.  So wise beyond his years and truly living for God's purpose.  I spend several days asking God what all that means.  Am I supposed to start going on mission trips and spending time in orphanages, which I also want to do or are you telling me to consider adoption.  So I pray and I ask John, Karstan and Max to pray about it.   My boys are so precious about all of this.  Karstan has a heart for younger children and if I just show him a picture of a little girl, his little face just lights up.  PRICELESS!!!  They are both so excited about it and understand that there will be a process when she comes, but neither one of them have any reservations.  Karstan asked me if we could not tell her she was adopted until she was 18.  I had to tell him unfortunately she might figure it out before then.  He also heard me say that she was from the Democratic Republic of Congo and he said so she is going to be a democrat.  (no disrepect to my democratic friends lol)   I love the child-like spirit.  It does not see color.  They both have said to me why wouldn't we adopt a little girl  or two that needs a home?  So simple. 

So, after asking all of them to pray, a few months later I asked them if they had prayed about it and what they thought.  You already know the boys answer.  John said I have not prayed about it.  I have to be honest my feelings were hurt and I was pretty frustrated with him.  After some more discussion, he said he would.  Later I found out he prayed that very night for God to give him a sign if this was something that our family should pursue.  So within seven hours God gave him the green light and I had a text at 6:45am the following morning to pursue the adoption.  John had woke up that morning for work and went and sat down and he said (i am never awake at that time so I do not know his morning routine) he normally just sits quietly and eats his breakfast.  He started praying but he said subconciously he grabbed for the remote it was on EXTRA so he turned to ESPN and immediately there was a picture of a family with a son that was clearly adopted.  It was the 49ers quarterback, Crackerneck or something like that.   He went to his car pulled up his name and it pulled right up about his adoption.  So, for those of you who have had a moment like this know that it is always more profound when it is happening than it is to retell.  He was sure that it was his answer to pursue adoption.  Something I have prayed he would say for a very long time, but knew that if it was God's plan than he would do just that on his time.  And he did. 

Yesterday, I sent off the paperwork to begin the homestudy and I could not be more excited to start this process.  I have many emotions...scared, worried, and elated all at the same time.  I have not slept good for a week and a half.  I am worried that my little girl, if she is born or not, is not eating enough or is she in pain.  I am scared that I will get a referral(match) and I cannot get to the Congo quick enough.  Thousands of children are dying everyday due to diseases, water, malnourishment ect.  I know that these are all false thoughts.  God is taking care of her and he knows exactly which child is supposed to be with our family.  I cannot control this and I have to be patient. God is in control and that is his little girl that I am borrowing so he has his arm around her just like he does with all of those sweet kids that need love. 

I would like to ask you to pray for those children and pray for our family as we embark on this sweet journey.   I know that it can be such an emotional roller coaster, but I feel like this is truly God's plan for our family and we are just asking for him to lead the way.